myinneralaska: An Introduction

Welcome to my very first blog post. And thank you, whoever you are, for being even remotely interested in what I write! It means a lot.

To preface what's to come, this is a place where I will share my thoughts, possibly selected journal entries, poetry, pictures, and whatever the heck else I feel like sharing. :)

"myinneralaska"

I arrived at this name while reflecting on my year of 2017. It all started with Spotify and its automatic creation of My Top Songs of 2017. My #1 top played song of 2017 was "Alaska" by Maggie Rogers.

I feel so connected to the song's spirit, to Maggie Rogers as an artist, her vibe... And, probably above all, I feel so connected to the song's lyrics. This song describes, in a very beautiful and poetic way: healing, discovery, and growth. And these are the aspects of life that I currently value the most.

I went to see Maggie Rogers live on April 4th, 2017, and I went solo. I felt that it was so important for me to go to this show by myself. It was an act of self-love, an experience, a gift, along with a little bit of discomfort (yes, even as an extrovert, I do get uncomfortable in situations like this; I just don't allow that discomfort to stop me from doing things). I didn't have a ticket. I drove to the Mod Club Theatre, parked, got in line, and hoped for the best... And I ended up getting a ticket at the door, and stood third row from the front for the entire show. SO WORTH IT.

through the grapevine

Some of you who know me have probably caught wind of the fact that I was in an incredibly abusive relationship back in 2016. I've started opening up about it on social media here and there, and some people I've blatantly told in person, but I digress: All of the months of 2017 have been months of healing and discovery for me. That relationship broke me in ways that I didn't know a human could be broken. And in terms of the "me" that most of you think you know or have come to expect---she was near lifeless. I lived and breathed fear & shame daily. I didn't know why I was here. I felt like a waste of a body. Like I had accomplished nothing in my life, and that nobody was proud of me. Not even me.

To keep a long, dark story short: I got out. I packed my things, adopted a dog, and moved back home.

the journey: myinneralaska

In 2017, I walked out into the abyss of what I call "my inner alaska"... A wilderness of unrelenting emotions and memories; harsh temperatures of my heart and my mind that would test the will of my soul.

I've had to learn how to navigate myself and keep myself warm through my own experiences.

I needed to find myself, and then believe in myself again.

I needed to find my spark and create my fire... and then live off of it.

I needed to be surrounded by this infinite inner space and solitude... the simplicity of inhaling and exhaling my thoughts and feelings alone.

I needed to walk it all off.

I've been reading Into the Wild by John Krakauer, unintentionally keeping with my Alaskan theme, and I've learned that some people who go off into the real Alaskan wilderness (Chris McCandless, Carl McCunn, John Waterman)... They never return.

And I think that the girl who set out on this inner alaskan journey, the one that was living in fear, shame, self-loathing, worthlessness, doubt and confusion...

I think that, for the most part, she won't be returning either.

healing, discovering, growing

I am so grateful for the catalysts of my healing, discovering, and growth in 2017. Those beautiful catalysts are my friends (old and new), music, and psychotherapy, which I owe many thanks to my parents for financially supporting. It is the best gift they have ever given me.

My friends have had such a positive impact on me, and in a way that is greater than I think they know. They have introduced me to new friends, created fun and hilarious experiences with me that left a smile on my face for days, and made me feel valued for who I am.

Music... oh don't even get me started. Music and friends along with endless amounts of dancing, sweating, headbanging, stank-facing... It all brought me right back to where I wanted to be. I've never felt so free in my life.

Dancing, discovering, healing, experimenting, and being free. Meeting the best people. People I never would have met if I was still chained to some narcissist, trying to make him happy. After having an experience where I couldn't do anything on my own or with other people without ending up in tears, or sometimes ending up with holes in the walls... I never, ever, take the excitement of meeting new people for granted. Or the overwhelming happiness of being free. I can wear whatever I want, style my hair however I like, wear glittery or sparkly things if I so choose, wear heels if I want, wear light-up shoes without feeling stupid, dance as ridiculously and as often as I want to, scream, yell, or laugh for no reason, just because I'm fucking happy.

I miss this inner child of mine so much, and I'm so glad that she's surfacing without a care in the world. And when people call me crazy...Her eyes light up and she knows that she's won. I want to let her keep going. See where it takes us. I think she'll be good at repelling all of the energies that I just don't have time for anymore.

Lastly, psychotherapy. It's helped me immensely to break things down, find myself, and re-gain some confidence and love for myself again. This is the first time in my life that I've had absolutely no interest in looking for love from someone else. In fact, I am adamantly against it. I'm so happy on this path that I'm finally on, that I've needed so badly... That I just can't take the risk of someone else affecting my momentum or direction. The second I start to feel the slightest bit cornered by someone else's needs, wants, desires, or feelings... It triggers me. I lived in fear, broken, in someone else's corner for way too long. And I just can't do it anymore. I can't be the slightest bit near a corner.

I guess you could say that "nobody puts Katie in a corner". ;)

Not anymore. Everything is so, so different now. And I love it.