Puzzle Pieces

Deep breath in. Deep breath out.

Another year has come and gone; filled with a crazy amount of shit. Some good shit. Some bad shit. But you know what? Here I am, living and breathing in all my shit glory... Telling you about it.

Not going to lie, the original post/rough draft I hand-wrote (yes, I hand write all of my original drafts) was preeeeetty lengthy, and slightly disorienting, ha ha. But I've done my best to distill it for you. The words that will follow, are a result. :)

To summarize: I had a pretty fucking crazy past year... Although, I'm certain that most of you reading this feel the exact same way. For myself, it started when I was "voted out" (euphemism) of my childhood home, and found myself living with a couple of straight-up criminals. From landing my first paying gigs in the film/media world (THANK YOU ERIN MCCARROLL/@RAXXofficialmusic you changed my life), to breaking my toe and totalling my car in the same week. From finding a friggin' sweet place to live for the summer, to having to give up my dog in order to work like a dog to be able to afford it (I gave her up to my parents, thankfully). From going to several amazing music festivals, working four jobs non-stop, to then being practically unemployed for two months, living on my best friend's pull-out couch. From finally finding some work again with two jobs, only to have my second car THIS YEAR break down for good.

Just recently, there was a night I decided to get a hotel in the city, because the commute home to Georgetown and back (my new life sans vehicle) would have waisted so much time, and would have only allowed me two hours of sleep before a twelve hour work day. So, I had a choice. Two hours of sleep, or five hours of sleep. I hadn't planned on staying in the city that night, so I had nothing packed. I spent all the tips I made at work that night to pay for the room (luckily I made enough to afford it). I washed my underwear in the sink with hotel shampoo, and hung it over night to dry. I felt semi-pathetic, yet proud. Proud that I can be this "low", and be okay with it. I find myself in situations like these fairly often nowadays, and sometimes I wonder if I'll look back when I've got my dream job/life, and just laugh. I wonder if I'll be able to cash-in stories like this for better ones. Ones where I'm not struggling to make ends meet, or to make it to job #1 or job #2. Ones where I'm not living in a living room. Ones where I don't having to wake up at 3:20am in order to make a 4:00am GO bus to Toronto to begin work at 6:15am.

But then I stop and think, what if these ARE the better stories? The ones where I'm struggling but at least fighting for what I want, regardless of the fact that I'm not 100% sure if the decisions I'm making are the right ones. The ones where I'm laughing in one moment, yet on the verge of tears the next (or vice versa). The ones where I pick myself back up. The ones where I escape it all and enjoy a crazy night with my friends with constant laughter. Don't get me wrong; I'm longing for the days when I won't have to worry, and honestly, sometimes, I'm super skeptical of whether or not those days will ever come in today's world. But just like that little, weird moment of pride I had when I washed my underwear in the fucking hotel sink... I don't know. Sometimes I just can't help but laugh and be entertained by it. It's a journey; MY journey. And this blog is essentially a namesake of that journey: "myinneralaska". My unique inner journey spilled on paper, then posted on the internet lol. And if part of that journey is taking pride in my maybe not-so-proud moments, then so be it. Having pride in your truths generates a positive perspective. And if there's any advice I can give, it would be to take a moment to laugh at your weird misfortunes. Temporarily living with criminals, cutting a hole in your shoe with a steak knife (while crying) because you're too broke to call in sick with a broken toe (I broke it while running to the bathroom to vomit), having your car break down in the centre lane in the middle of morning rush hour, pissing EVERYONE off, and washing your underwear in the sink? That's hilarious.

Furthermore, I am happy that, with all of these situations and experiences, it has left me little time for stories in the realm of romance. I feel like I tend to waste time in that space anyway, because I tend to "chameleon" my wants to match what the other person wants, which, ultimately, stifles my own. And that, I have found, completely stunts my growth. I'm not trying to be condescending to those of you in relationships. Heck, if you are a person that can harmoniously grow side-by-side with someone else, than all the power to you. I've got nothing against healthy relationships. But for myself and my spirit, the amount and degree to which I can learn is amplified when I have the peace of mind of absolutely no boundaries; healthy or otherwise. I'm just really grateful that my life and its happenings have asked me to grow in different ways, instead of worrying about being with, or for, someone else. Some people value love; I value freedom. Freedom to make or break, at my own pace and in my own space. Sometimes freedom can come with a bit of loneliness, but I've found that loneliness is much more of a friend to me now. I've found love and sanity in freedom.

NOW, I know I preach a lot of freedom and mysticism, and I do intend to be a free spirit until the day I die. But, I definitely came face to face with some cold, harsh truths that have made me reflect and decide that it could be in my best interest to slow down a bit. It is true, what they say... About reaping what you sow. I had planted some bad seeds over the years; and apparently 2018 was quite the harvest. Things surfaced and came back to haunt me. Deeply rooted bad habits brought some bad happenings, or even just stagnant repeats. And I'd like to think that, after some deep reflection, I'm aware of what some of those habits are.

Looking back, I would say that 2018 was a year of unintentional discovery, luck, the opposite of luck, and scrambling. Trying to get by without going insane. Trying to "do all of the things" while being ultimately incredibly broke. Sliding under each garage door right before it closes, over and over again. There were so many turning points, leaving me pretty disoriented. But I would like to take 2019 by the reigns, and maybe tighten them a bit. In a few ways, the universe has already done that for me (i.e. living back at home, not having a car), and I'm grateful. I don't want to let this opportunity to pass me by. It's a great time to create serious goals for myself and see them through. Some of these goals are career oriented, some travel oriented, and some are changes in habits. And those are all going to take some work, but I finally feel ready. Time to start sowing some better seeds.

It is what it is, and 2018 was what it was. I was going through an extremely rough patch with a lot of uncertainty and financial trouble, and my career choice makes it incredibly difficult to plan ahead. Escapism was my middle name, and you know what? I fucking needed it. Music, dancing, and friends were my saving grace. They kept me away from some pretty dark thoughts, and maybe I didn't "appear" the most responsible for my age, or like I was having too much fun, but you know what? I absolutely, positively, 100% do not care. :)

Why?

Because I am collecting puzzle pieces. Pieces for the on-going puzzle that is MY life, and those pieces come in all different shapes, sizes, weights, and feelings. My big picture, as well as where and how I collect my pieces, will look completely different from yours and everyone else. And it's taken me quite a while to be okay with this, believe it or not. And I'm excited to keep collecting and creating.

This year will be a time for challenge, change, creativity, and amends. I'm going to the gym regularly, I've traded in music for educational/inspirational podcasts on my morning commute, and I intend to purge a lot of junk, both tangible and intangible. I finally have the stability, support, and desire to chase change.

However, this ambition for change does not imply that I regret anything from the previous year. The last year of my life was one of merely trying to keep my head above water, as unfortunate as that may sound. Deep, dark, stormy waters, and I've let them educate me spiritually and emotionally. And as Aristotle once said, "Educating the mind without educating the heart is no education at all". And I would argue that the spirit is equally important.

Deep breath in, deep breath out.