The Coin

It's been a while since I've written anything. My life turned upside-down in a minute, and I was forced into several decisions that I wasn't really prepared to make.

I'm struggling right now. HARD. In SO many ways. Mentally. Emotionally. Financially. Perhaps even spiritually. But my spirit is loud and she craves life, and the need to feed my spirit is probably the only reason why I get out of bed every day.

For those of you who don't know: I left home. I couldn't stay. All I can say is that I miss my mom and dad dearly (as they live over 1000km away), and I've had to learn over many years and through several mental breakdowns that blood is not thicker than water. Sometimes you just happen to have one or both of the same parents, and that's it.

Right now I'm not even sure if my decision to leave home was the right one. I may have left "bad" for "worse". All I know is that I've learned a heck of a lot in the last month and a half, and no one can take that away from me.

Oh, to be in the eye of the hurricane... To see the entire shit-storm that surrounds you, and have full clarity in your awareness of it all. This is what my life feels like right now.

The house I live in now is a complete dump. It's old, the floors are slanted, the outside of our house is covered with scattered garbage. There is a lot of garbage inside the house as well, which does not always get taken out when it should, or by who it should be taken out by. Peoples' dirty dishes sit and pile up for 2-3 WEEKS (save for mine). I wish I was fucking kidding, but I'm not.

The house is just full of negative energy all the time. People who don't clean up after themselves, who don't take responsibility for their belongings or their garbage or their actions... And yet who are so quick to point the finger in any direction that isn't a god damn mirror, god forbid.

One of the roommates has tried to make my life a living hell because I wouldn't love him or be sexually attracted to him. It got to a point where I wanted to move out. To where? I had no idea, I just wanted out.

To think that my life and/or happiness was subjected to some buffoon who, for some reason, felt entitled to my body, my emotions, my belongings, and my time... And got angry when I wouldn't give him any of those things... That's ludicrous. He's 32, jobless, hasn't had a job in over a year, doesn't even pay his full rent. He hasn't for the 3 months that he's lived here. And this guy has the audacity to yell in my face and call me a cunt (on more than one occasion), call me disgusting, tell me to "go die in a hole"... To think that I almost catered to this behaviour and let him win? Please. I think that after everything I just described, I win by default.

I went home to Georgetown to grab some things to bring back to Toronto. As I collected my things and was about to leave my room... I just stopped. I broke down. I broke down hard. Like something or someone had died. My heart just hurt. I wanted to stay so badly. Georgetown was home. It's always been home. I grew up in the same house my entire life. Why would I want to return to a house infested with garbage, laziness, and negativity that I KNOW I am so much better than.

I am a bright, strong, educated young woman; I come from a good family and my parents gave me the best life. A pool in the backyard, a family dog, two cats, a well-maintained garden that looked like a mini pretty jungle in the summers. A bedroom upstairs with three windows that always let in the reflection of the sun off of the pool. I would wake up to the sun dancing on my bedroom ceiling! A nine-year competitive dance career, an education, a cell phone. A second-hand car. Everything seemed so well set-up for a bright future.

So how in the fuck did I end up here?!

In a place with stolen cars and stolen food, garbage everywhere; one of my roommates has brass knuckles for anyone that crosses him/us. Two of my roommates got arrested last week, and 80% of our household is unemployed. A lot of them sneak onto the TTC because they can't afford it. When I was growing up, I never knew that people struggled like this. Every day.

When I first moved in, I found this lifestyle and the characters very entertaining. I embraced the idea of becoming a reckless degenerate (see photographic evidence below).

So yeah, I embraced the idea of being some sort of anarchist. Fuck society. Fuck societal norms. Fuck what you think of me; what you think of US. This society wasn't made for people like US. I guess I identified with these ideas and people because I've always felt like the black sheep in my family. Being the only artsy, creative, adventurous free-spirit amongst parents, siblings, and even aunts, uncles, and cousins who all live or aspire to live a white-collar lifestyle. I've always felt very misunderstood.

So when the black sheep found even blacker, even sheepier black sheep, she felt a little better. And they took her in as one of their own.

My new family and I are all a little broken in our own unique ways, and I kind of like that about us. We're just trying to figure things out and get by. But now I'm confused. How do I really feel. Where am I.

I'm tired of my adventures here in Wonderland and Oz. I want to go home, or at least somewhere more sane and clean. But I'm stuck here.

I'm worried that my friends all think I'm a piece of shit. Like they think I'm fucking up. Meanwhile, this is ironically the hardest I have ever tried in my fucking life. There's no glamour to prove it but I've been trying so hard, every god damn day for my freedom and growth.

I had to move from Georgetown to Toronto when I was not ready. Mentally or financially. I slept on floors and couches, WITH MY DOG, for three fucking weeks while I worked full time and tried to move things, prime, and paint a BLACK room with BLACK walls, ceilings and doors. All while being harassed by an immature 32 year old boy and being targeted by other roommates for things beyond my control. My dog almost died after eating an entire edible weed cookie that was left unattended by someone, and my dog has eaten/gotten into so much garbage thanks to my lazy roommates. And when I paid my rent last week, I only had .43 cents leftover in my bank account.

Then of course to top it all off, I was just emotionally slapped in the face by someone I thought I trusted with my thoughts and feelings but I was a fool. I gave way too much of myself to someone who made me feel completely degraded in the end. My parents live 1000km away and can't help me. I also feel like I can't ask them for help because this was my decision. I couldn't make the monthly payment on my student loan this month, and the person that paid it for me really had no obligation to me or my well-being, and I still can't believe that they did that for me.

When it rains, it pours! And if you're me, it fucking hurricanes, apparently! At this point, if I make next month's rent it, will be a god damn miracle.

And even though I am literally fighting back tears as I write all of this, and am seriously debating on whether or not I should post any of this... These thoughts, feelings, and this whole experience are necessary.

And this is what brings me to THE COIN. The invaluable, metaphorical coin. To fully know and understand both sides of it---the life I grew up with versus the circumstances I am currently trying to grow from... Is what matters here.

I used to live a very comfortable life. And one of the only things I take solace in throughout this whole shit-storm is that when you're comfortable, you're not growing. Uncomfortable situations offer more lessons and opportunities for growth.

Comfort, and monotony, and clear-cut paths that are already paved for you and perfectly green and freshly mowed lawns and white picket fences that were a different generation's dream...

Well, I guess that's just not for me. I crave meaning and awareness and spiritual substance, and I hope that both sides of the coin will serve me well someday. It may look like I'm kind of fucking up my life right now, but I promise that, on the inside, I am growing. Or at least laying the foundation for growth in the future.

I guess I just hope that the people I love will think that's enough right now.

"Somedays life is a grand adventure,

other days it's an uncomfortable necessity before sleep."

-Atticus